Afraid to Hope But Still Dreaming

(me, age 4, already dreaming of being a mom)

There's a part of me that hopes, that if I am meant to be a mom, it will happen... that someone will let me raise their baby because I can't raise my own. I won't seek it, I will wait for it to happen, if it's meant to be.

But this is my fear about adoption... it's not guaranteed either.

"I had thought my heart was a fleshy, pulpy thing;
I didn't know it was actually made out of blown glass.
It shattered into a million pieces."

Quote from HERE. A story about how an adoption failed.

The above quote perfectly describes how I felt after my babybear died. I can honestly say my heart has never mended. After Bear also died, I lost all chances to have another baby. I already knew that the likelihood of me having a live baby was slim to none, but to have any chance at all ripped away was, and remains, devastating.

A few months after Bear died, I wrote a draft letter to ask people to be on the look out for my earth-child. I dared not seek adoption, but I hoped, that if it was meant to be, it would just happen.

I did not mail out that letter.

Every few months, I consider it again. And again. But I never do.

Because I am afraid.

I'm afraid to hope. To dream.

Besides, how could I be a single parent? I could not afford it. I was a daycare kid and I do not want that for any child of mine. But, as a single parent, I wouldn't have a choice. There are so many reasons why not.

And so, my dreams, they continue to be stored in the past.

But I keep peeking in the door, because deep down inside me... my dreams are still there.

It's still the reason I keep living...