Mothers in Our Hearts

 

Playing Catch Up: Toy Drive 2012

Every year, I donate a teddy bear to the annual toy drive in memory of my babybear. This is this year's bear.

Here he is in the pile of toys.

In her memory

 On October 13th, we had our 6th annual Walk to Remember. Approximately 100 people showed up.

 Last year, Holly won a giveaway on my blog. We were surprised to find out we lived in the same province. She came to the walk with her family and it was great to finally meet her.

 I released a pink and a white balloon for my little girl and her daddy.

On October 15th, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I lit candles as part of a World Wide 'Wave of Light'.

 We also were introduced to Patch. You can read about Patches replacement and sign up for a visit HERE. 

This week as I approach the anniversary of my due date, I can't help but wonder about this little girl and who she could have been. She would be 7 years old this year. I miss her every day. 

Cupcakes

 

Another year gone by without you.

♥ babybear ♥

 

A Little Poem

Just a little something I wrote today:

I don't need flowers nor breakfast in bed
handmade cards are nice but what I need instead
is my little girl for hugging and kissing
oh I am very aware of what I am missing.
As moms around the world celebrate
I sit here and continue to wait
for that day to finally come
that day when I can go home
and reunite with my little girl and her dad
and finally live the life I should have had.
©2012tla 

Remember

My candle for the
TCF World Wide Wave of Light
December 11, 2011

In loving memory of
♥ Bear and babybear ♥

Afraid to Hope But Still Dreaming

(me, age 4, already dreaming of being a mom)

There's a part of me that hopes, that if I am meant to be a mom, it will happen... that someone will let me raise their baby because I can't raise my own. I won't seek it, I will wait for it to happen, if it's meant to be.

But this is my fear about adoption... it's not guaranteed either.

"I had thought my heart was a fleshy, pulpy thing;
I didn't know it was actually made out of blown glass.
It shattered into a million pieces."

Quote from HERE. A story about how an adoption failed.

The above quote perfectly describes how I felt after my babybear died. I can honestly say my heart has never mended. After Bear also died, I lost all chances to have another baby. I already knew that the likelihood of me having a live baby was slim to none, but to have any chance at all ripped away was, and remains, devastating.

A few months after Bear died, I wrote a draft letter to ask people to be on the look out for my earth-child. I dared not seek adoption, but I hoped, that if it was meant to be, it would just happen.

I did not mail out that letter.

Every few months, I consider it again. And again. But I never do.

Because I am afraid.

I'm afraid to hope. To dream.

Besides, how could I be a single parent? I could not afford it. I was a daycare kid and I do not want that for any child of mine. But, as a single parent, I wouldn't have a choice. There are so many reasons why not.

And so, my dreams, they continue to be stored in the past.

But I keep peeking in the door, because deep down inside me... my dreams are still there.

It's still the reason I keep living...

I Miss Christmas.

(our last Christmas photo - the only Christmas Emma got to celebrate)
can you tell I was fake-smiling even then?

I miss Christmas.
I miss you.

Seeing everyone else post about Christmas
is making me sadder and sadder.

Significant Days

Today is a significant day in my history.
In most people's lives, these are minor things,
but for me they are big things.

October 30, 2005 was my expected due date with babybear.
As you all know, she died in July that year,
3 months before she was due.

October 30, 2008 was the last time Emma saw her daddy.
It was the one and only time I was able to take her to the hospital to see him.


(pic links to the blog about B's cancer)

Today's also my brother's birthday
and I'm sorry if that has lost its importance in my history.

October 15th Photos

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

This year we had our Annual Walk to Remember on the actual day.

(beginning our walk around the park)


It was our 5th annual walk and we had approximately 100 people.



(a pink balloon for my babybear)

We had a Remembrance Ceremony
which included a local artist and a local author speaking
and the reading of the babies names.


(the crowd returning from the walk)

The nice walk around the park was followed by fellowship and refreshments.


(cupcakes generously donated by one of our participants)

That evening, I participated in the World Wide Wave of Light.


(October 15th Wave of Light 2011 candle)


A nice way to remember my little girl, and all the other babies gone too soon.

I ♥ you, babybear.

October 15th Wave of Light

Birthday babybear

Today is babybear's 6th birthday.

Hard to believe 6 years has passed
since I said hello and good bye
to my little girl.
It seems like only yesterday
and forever ago.

On her angel day (Friday),
I had a few people over for a BBQ.
I made these sad looking cupcake bears.
At least they tasted better than they looked.

The balloon place closed
so I didn't get to do a balloon release.

What I wouldn't do
to have a real birthday party instead.
With a little birthday princess
instead of an angel.

The Tiniest Angel

(I always thought this looked like an angel reaching for a baby)

Six years ago today...
you became the tiniest angel.

My heart is forever broken.
♥ Mommy

Ornament

I made this ornament for Bear in 2006.
A Bear holding a babybear angel.
I remember coming in the room to find him looking at the ornament with tears in his eyes.
I know they are together now and he's teaching her all about Christmas.
There has been no Christmas Trees here since he left.
No decorations, lights, or presents.
No stockings, no music, no Christmas dinner.
No laughter nor hugs and Santa hasn't come.
I sure miss Christmas.
But most of all, I miss my Bear and babybear.
I can't wait to celebrate Christmas with them again.

Memory Tree 2010

Every year I put a card on the Memory Tree at a local mall.
I write a little note inside for my Bear and my babybear.
I like to go back a couple times and see how the tree fills up.

December 1, 2010

December 9, 2010

December 22, 2010

Sad that there are so many people missing from our lives....
.... but I know they live forever in our hearts at Christmas and always.

Wave of Light Candle 2010

In Loving Memory
of
babybear and her daddy.
Forever in my heart. ♥

Light A Candle for October 15th

click image to learn more about October 15th

I Am The Face

I am one of the 2,000 faces affected by pregnancy/infant loss everyday. Please go to www.iamtheface.org to show your support and join the movement. (You can see me HERE.)

4th Annual Walk to Remember

(about 2/3rds of the crowd - more people behind me at this point)

As many of you know, I am a coordinator for the local Walk to Remember for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. This was our 4th year. Our biggest walk yet, with over 100 people in attendance. That's twice as many as we had last year. (approximately 25 first year, 35 second year, 50 last year) We had some media attention this year which boosted our attendance. There was even a photo of me and one of the other girls in the paper after we were interviewed by a reporter. Yikes!

It was a beautiful day weather-wise as you can see from the above photo. I am really happy with how this walk is becoming more successful each year, though it breaks my heart that so many families are suffering.

One of the things I said in my speech was "As we look around today, we see that we are indeed not alone". And for that, I am grateful.

♥Bear and babybear ♥
forever in my heart