Thursday, December 8, 2011

Afraid to Hope But Still Dreaming


(me, age 4, already dreaming of being a mom)

There's a part of me that hopes, that if I am meant to be a mom, it will happen... that someone will let me raise their baby because I can't raise my own. I won't seek it, I will wait for it to happen, if it's meant to be.

But this is my fear about adoption... it's not guaranteed either.

"I had thought my heart was a fleshy, pulpy thing;
I didn't know it was actually made out of blown glass.
It shattered into a million pieces."

Quote from HERE. A story about how an adoption failed.

The above quote perfectly describes how I felt after my babybear died. I can honestly say my heart has never mended. After Bear also died, I lost all chances to have another baby. I already knew that the likelihood of me having a live baby was slim to none, but to have any chance at all ripped away was, and remains, devastating.

A few months after Bear died, I wrote a draft letter to ask people to be on the look out for my earth-child. I dared not seek adoption, but I hoped, that if it was meant to be, it would just happen.

I did not mail out that letter.

Every few months, I consider it again. And again. But I never do.

Because I am afraid.

I'm afraid to hope. To dream.


Besides, how could I be a single parent? I could not afford it. I was a daycare kid and I do not want that for any child of mine. But, as a single parent, I wouldn't have a choice. There are so many reasons why not.

And so, my dreams, they continue to be stored in the past.

But I keep peeking in the door, because deep down inside me... my dreams are still there.

It's still the reason I keep living...




8 comments:

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Never be afraid to hope and dream...

I know that the holiday season is tough for many, many people who have lost loved ones. Ter, my thoughts are with you. Stay positive, you are still so young. You never know what the future holds in it's hands for you.

Lisa / Disappearing Me said...

There is never a perfect time to have a child. Don't wait for the timing to be just perfect or it will never happen. Send out that letter. :)

Joc(e) said...

I totally agree you should send the letter. Change is always scary, and I haven't taken any steps down the adoption road either but it's not going to get any easier from here. You deserve to be a mommy, AND to be happy...in either order. (((HUGS)))

Tina said...

I hope it happens for you too. xo

You messaged me about the giveaways, I can't find it!! If you still want to host a day, let me know and I'll put you down. (unless I already did and just don't remember...it's been that kind of week!! :)

Jenners said...

Don't give up that hope and dream. You just never ever know what life will bring you. You just don't know. It has brought you a lot of bad but it might bring you some good too.

~ The Country Mouse ~ said...

If you feel it in your heart, then I think you should take the next step. I know it's hard to open yourself up, but I think it is one of those things that you have to do, because otherwise it will always be a what might of been...

Caitlin said...

I agree with the other commenters too. It is never a good time to have a baby- send it out there! You will always wonder if you don't try! But, easy for me to say sitting here and not there. But I hope you do- you deserve to be someone's Mommy again- there is always in-home day care? That you could run?

Controlling My Chaos said...

I followed the link and read the failed adoption story. My heart is heavy. :( I can't even imagine pain like that.