Playing Catch Up: Wave of Light

The second Sunday of December is the Compassionate Friends World Wide Wave of Light in memory of children (of all ages) gone too soon. Every year,  I light a candle in memory of my little girl and her daddy. This year, I placed the candle in front of a little ornament my friend gave me recently.

Playing Catch Up: Toy Drive 2012

Every year, I donate a teddy bear to the annual toy drive in memory of my babybear. This is this year's bear.

Here he is in the pile of toys.

Cupcakes

 

Another year gone by without you.

♥ babybear ♥

 

Christmas in Heaven

This is babybear's 7th Christmas in Heaven
and Bear's 4th.

Toy Drive 2011

Every year, I donate a teddy bear
in memory of my babybear.

This is this the bear I donated this year.




2010
2009
2008
2007

Remember

My candle for the
TCF World Wide Wave of Light
December 11, 2011

In loving memory of
♥ Bear and babybear ♥

Afraid to Hope But Still Dreaming

(me, age 4, already dreaming of being a mom)

There's a part of me that hopes, that if I am meant to be a mom, it will happen... that someone will let me raise their baby because I can't raise my own. I won't seek it, I will wait for it to happen, if it's meant to be.

But this is my fear about adoption... it's not guaranteed either.

"I had thought my heart was a fleshy, pulpy thing;
I didn't know it was actually made out of blown glass.
It shattered into a million pieces."

Quote from HERE. A story about how an adoption failed.

The above quote perfectly describes how I felt after my babybear died. I can honestly say my heart has never mended. After Bear also died, I lost all chances to have another baby. I already knew that the likelihood of me having a live baby was slim to none, but to have any chance at all ripped away was, and remains, devastating.

A few months after Bear died, I wrote a draft letter to ask people to be on the look out for my earth-child. I dared not seek adoption, but I hoped, that if it was meant to be, it would just happen.

I did not mail out that letter.

Every few months, I consider it again. And again. But I never do.

Because I am afraid.

I'm afraid to hope. To dream.

Besides, how could I be a single parent? I could not afford it. I was a daycare kid and I do not want that for any child of mine. But, as a single parent, I wouldn't have a choice. There are so many reasons why not.

And so, my dreams, they continue to be stored in the past.

But I keep peeking in the door, because deep down inside me... my dreams are still there.

It's still the reason I keep living...

I Miss Christmas.

(our last Christmas photo - the only Christmas Emma got to celebrate)
can you tell I was fake-smiling even then?

I miss Christmas.
I miss you.

Seeing everyone else post about Christmas
is making me sadder and sadder.

Significant Days

Today is a significant day in my history.
In most people's lives, these are minor things,
but for me they are big things.

October 30, 2005 was my expected due date with babybear.
As you all know, she died in July that year,
3 months before she was due.

October 30, 2008 was the last time Emma saw her daddy.
It was the one and only time I was able to take her to the hospital to see him.


(pic links to the blog about B's cancer)

Today's also my brother's birthday
and I'm sorry if that has lost its importance in my history.

To Be Thankful...

(our last Thanksgiving Dinner, 2007)
I wish we took more photos of us.

Today is Thanksgiving.

I'm trying hard to be thankful.
This weekend marked 3 years
(THREE YEARS!!)
since my husband fell down the stairs
and ended up in the hospital for good.
It was a couple days before Thanksgiving, 2008.

How hard it is to be thankful
when your entire family has died.

But
I am thankful...

... for my pup.
... for my friends and other loved ones.
... to still have my house.

and every day
I will learn to be thankful again.

Birthday babybear

Today is babybear's 6th birthday.

Hard to believe 6 years has passed
since I said hello and good bye
to my little girl.
It seems like only yesterday
and forever ago.

On her angel day (Friday),
I had a few people over for a BBQ.
I made these sad looking cupcake bears.
At least they tasted better than they looked.

The balloon place closed
so I didn't get to do a balloon release.

What I wouldn't do
to have a real birthday party instead.
With a little birthday princess
instead of an angel.

The Tiniest Angel

(I always thought this looked like an angel reaching for a baby)

Six years ago today...
you became the tiniest angel.

My heart is forever broken.
♥ Mommy

I'll never forget....

I'll never forget
the look on your face
when you learned
you were a daddy.

Six years ago today.


*Picture is at the exact moment he realized*

Ornament

I made this ornament for Bear in 2006.
A Bear holding a babybear angel.
I remember coming in the room to find him looking at the ornament with tears in his eyes.
I know they are together now and he's teaching her all about Christmas.
There has been no Christmas Trees here since he left.
No decorations, lights, or presents.
No stockings, no music, no Christmas dinner.
No laughter nor hugs and Santa hasn't come.
I sure miss Christmas.
But most of all, I miss my Bear and babybear.
I can't wait to celebrate Christmas with them again.

Memory Tree 2010

Every year I put a card on the Memory Tree at a local mall.
I write a little note inside for my Bear and my babybear.
I like to go back a couple times and see how the tree fills up.

December 1, 2010

December 9, 2010

December 22, 2010

Sad that there are so many people missing from our lives....
.... but I know they live forever in our hearts at Christmas and always.

Toy Drive 2010

Every year, I donate a Teddy Bear
in memory of my babybear.

This is the bear I donated this year.

Wave of Light Candle 2010

In Loving Memory
of
babybear and her daddy.
Forever in my heart. ♥

Should Have Been

Today is the first day of the 2010-11 school year.
And my broken heart just broke some more.

This Week

(taken on babybear's 3rd birthday)

This week
I will remember you
and celebrate you
and love you...

...as I always do.

♥♥♥

Thinking of babybear
on her
5th angel day and birthday
(July 22 & 25)

Thinking of Bear
on our
7th wedding anniversary
(July 26)

Two Pink Lines

Five years ago today
was the happiest day of my life.

Sometimes I think
it was all a dream.

And perhaps it was.

You can read babybear's story here.