Remember

My candle for the
TCF World Wide Wave of Light
December 11, 2011

In loving memory of
♥ Bear and babybear ♥

Afraid to Hope But Still Dreaming

(me, age 4, already dreaming of being a mom)

There's a part of me that hopes, that if I am meant to be a mom, it will happen... that someone will let me raise their baby because I can't raise my own. I won't seek it, I will wait for it to happen, if it's meant to be.

But this is my fear about adoption... it's not guaranteed either.

"I had thought my heart was a fleshy, pulpy thing;
I didn't know it was actually made out of blown glass.
It shattered into a million pieces."

Quote from HERE. A story about how an adoption failed.

The above quote perfectly describes how I felt after my babybear died. I can honestly say my heart has never mended. After Bear also died, I lost all chances to have another baby. I already knew that the likelihood of me having a live baby was slim to none, but to have any chance at all ripped away was, and remains, devastating.

A few months after Bear died, I wrote a draft letter to ask people to be on the look out for my earth-child. I dared not seek adoption, but I hoped, that if it was meant to be, it would just happen.

I did not mail out that letter.

Every few months, I consider it again. And again. But I never do.

Because I am afraid.

I'm afraid to hope. To dream.

Besides, how could I be a single parent? I could not afford it. I was a daycare kid and I do not want that for any child of mine. But, as a single parent, I wouldn't have a choice. There are so many reasons why not.

And so, my dreams, they continue to be stored in the past.

But I keep peeking in the door, because deep down inside me... my dreams are still there.

It's still the reason I keep living...

I Miss Christmas.

(our last Christmas photo - the only Christmas Emma got to celebrate)
can you tell I was fake-smiling even then?

I miss Christmas.
I miss you.

Seeing everyone else post about Christmas
is making me sadder and sadder.

Happy Birthday

Happy 41st Birthday, Bear.
I miss you.
♥

Missing

I miss you.

(3 yrs ago today, you flew away)

Significant Days

Today is a significant day in my history.
In most people's lives, these are minor things,
but for me they are big things.

October 30, 2005 was my expected due date with babybear.
As you all know, she died in July that year,
3 months before she was due.

October 30, 2008 was the last time Emma saw her daddy.
It was the one and only time I was able to take her to the hospital to see him.


(pic links to the blog about B's cancer)

Today's also my brother's birthday
and I'm sorry if that has lost its importance in my history.

To Be Thankful...

(our last Thanksgiving Dinner, 2007)
I wish we took more photos of us.

Today is Thanksgiving.

I'm trying hard to be thankful.
This weekend marked 3 years
(THREE YEARS!!)
since my husband fell down the stairs
and ended up in the hospital for good.
It was a couple days before Thanksgiving, 2008.

How hard it is to be thankful
when your entire family has died.

But
I am thankful...

... for my pup.
... for my friends and other loved ones.
... to still have my house.

and every day
I will learn to be thankful again.

Anniversary

8 years
since we said "I do."

and purposely left out the
"til death do us part"

Funny how that backfired.

Friday Funny: Research

Tonight, I am taking part in the
Canadian Cancer Society Relay for Life

Cancer will not win.

The Lucky One

On February 8, 2002
He asked me to marry him.
The next day he included this in his daily note to me:
"I'm a lucky guy. Most guys don't even get to date a girl like you, but I get to marry you."

He was wrong.
*I* was the lucky one.

I miss him.
♥

Ornament

I made this ornament for Bear in 2006.
A Bear holding a babybear angel.
I remember coming in the room to find him looking at the ornament with tears in his eyes.
I know they are together now and he's teaching her all about Christmas.
There has been no Christmas Trees here since he left.
No decorations, lights, or presents.
No stockings, no music, no Christmas dinner.
No laughter nor hugs and Santa hasn't come.
I sure miss Christmas.
But most of all, I miss my Bear and babybear.
I can't wait to celebrate Christmas with them again.

Memory Tree 2010

Every year I put a card on the Memory Tree at a local mall.
I write a little note inside for my Bear and my babybear.
I like to go back a couple times and see how the tree fills up.

December 1, 2010

December 9, 2010

December 22, 2010

Sad that there are so many people missing from our lives....
.... but I know they live forever in our hearts at Christmas and always.

It's My Birthday (and I'll Cry If I Want To)

(Dec. 1998 - the oldest pic I can find of us together, before we started dating.)

I met this dude on my 18th birthday.
He eventually convinced me to go out with him.
(It only took 5 years)
and then, one day, we got married.
I miss him.
Happy Birthday to me.

40

(photo taken on his 37th Birthday)

Happy 40th Birthday, Bear!
(even though you're forever 37 yrs + 363 days old)
♥

(I miss you)

Two years ago today,
and I love you still.
♥
(I miss you)

This Week

(taken on babybear's 3rd birthday)

This week
I will remember you
and celebrate you
and love you...

...as I always do.

♥♥♥

Thinking of babybear
on her
5th angel day and birthday
(July 22 & 25)

Thinking of Bear
on our
7th wedding anniversary
(July 26)